Guy’s Buyers’ Guide: For the Piss in You

Did you know that over 90% of our readership are males over the age of 70? Well, that’s not true. We get hundreds of press releases a month from companies trying to get us to cover their products in various buyers guides just because they think the products are dude-worthy. Sometimes we oblige. But most of the time we can’t take shit seriously. We can’t take piss seriously either.

Here’s your guide to products that would help you should you fall prey to the impromptu golden shower. Only at GUY.

1. Cushion For the Pushin’… Out Pee

Click to enlarge

Ever been caught after two hours and twenty minutes of button mashing at your favorite video game, confronted the boss to blow his shit up, and realized that you have to pee? We mean squirming in your chair pee. Well for just $39.95, you can pee wherever you like and not mess up your bean bag chair. It’s waterproof and piss apparently just rolls right off this bitch. It also claims to cushion your little ‘tocks for hours while you lounge on it and wait to let it all go.

2. The Penis Clamp

What better way to hold in the embarrassment than to clamp the dragon’s neck? This is the bad kind of cock ring. The Satan of cock mashers. The plumbing equipment that goes not in the toilet. The longshoreman’s grip simulator. The Medieval Pee Stop… and it makes a catheter look like a bow tie.

3. The Fire Hose of Jock Straps

Well, we found a jock strap that pee-pees. We’re not sure how discreet this thing is, but if someone steps on your bladder on the football field, you’re covered in case of urinary expulsion. In all other cases, you’ve got an alternative to taping a roll of quarters to the inside of your thigh. Get this accessory of dick fashion right here.

4. The Shower Cap For Your Other Head

It’s good to know that you can now pop a shower cap on that other head in case you get caught in a bind. Beware though, if you’ve got a geyser force building up, this bitch is going to fly clean off. According to their site, it’s only good for up to 2 ounces of wee-wee.

5. 24-Hour Jousting Pants

If a situation arises that calls for an emergency helicopter performance, then you can now do so without pulling your pants down! These drawers come with a nice flap in the front so you can unleash your junk in a pinch. Joust any time of the day in these britches. It’s freedom. We bet you can fill up your whisky flask on a bumpy road with all of the included accessories. (Although we’re not suggesting you break the law by drinking on the go.) This is probably the most liberating product in this guide. Too bad Christmas has just passed. You need six.

6. The Piss Punisher

Although this is marketed for children, we think it might just fit with the other tools in Darcy’s Dick Dungeon. This is worn inside the underwear and sounds an alarm if you dribble. We found it especially funny that the website that sells these includes this in their description: “Compact device is activated with as few as one or two drops of fluid to alert the user before complete bladder loss. Comes with alarm box, nine-volt battery and sensor pad that is non-absorbent.”

Shocking.

7. Piss Your Family Off

Along with all that astronaut icecream and camping food you brought with you on that summer trek, you’re gonna need a pot to piss in. Or a bag. Because industrialized society makes those now. This is a tool abhorred by all family Aristocrats acts. Too clean.

8. Sir Dignity Pants

Best product name ever. Ten out of ten. And it’s real. If you’re being bullied, then pull on these little tighty whities and reclaim your power. And then pee. Hard.