Covering Your Ass: The Case For Making Sure That Damn Suit Fits

The suit. You can’t escape it.

You’re going to have to wear a suit at some point in the near future. Maybe your little sister is graduating from college. Maybe you have a very important job interview (you think a tie doesn’t make a difference? think again). Maybe your best friend is getting married to that bitch that runs his life and hates you, but you’ve got to suck it up and stand by your man. Life demands effort. People notice it. People respect it. Whatever the occasion, you have been called upon to stand and be counted, and the best way to simultaneously honor the event and give it the finger is to show up looking as sharp and beautiful as you have the patience, time, and resolve for. And even if you’re not wearing a full-on, uncompromised, by God suit, you’re wearing some version of it.

You’re a guy. Those jeans you’re wearing? They’re pants.  That jacket you’re wearing? It’s just that — a jacket. Everything you could possibly wear in your life (don’t you even bring up your utili-kilt, you sonuvabitch) revolves around the straight-forward, utilitarian gravity of the suit, so if you learn the rules that govern what works and doesn’t work with a suit, then Casual Friday takes care of itself doesn’t it?

Are you a slob?

Your clothes are the guideline to how you want people to interpret you. Never mind what band t-shirt you happen to be wearing (even if it’s the Nevermind cover). This is about how you want people to view you. Don’t slouch into a room looking like emasculated capitulation personified. Whether you’re wearing a baggy suit or a baggy t-shirt and jeans you’re not doing yourself any favors. You look defeated, sloppy, and afraid. You look like all of these things, because based on your appearance you have given up. You have stopped fighting for something more.

Don’t slouch into a room looking like emasculated capitulation personified.

Force yourself to enter the fitting room.

However, if that is not the case, then here’s where you will begin: You are going to go to a clothing store you like to find a shirt and a pair of pants you really like. You will get the size you would normally buy, as well as the size just below it. You will then take these four items and go into a changing room. I know, I know… I too struggled with the embarrassment and frustration and perceived waste of time that comes with trying on clothes at the store as well, but lend this prodigal son your most sympathetic ear. It is worth it. This is is your chance to really see what a shirt or pair of pants can do for your body. You will be surprised and emboldened by the results.

Now, why is this important? Clothes are clothes and it’s more important to be comfortable in what you’re wearing. The funny thing is though, that most people in comfortable clothes don’t look comfortable at all. You can’t project confidence when you’re trying to hide behind a bunch of extraneous fabric. This is where the lessons of Thom Browne come in. Don’t be afraid to wear something that comes within an inch of your skin. The pants I mentioned earlier? Try them in a straight cut intstead of the relaxed.

Why do that?

When you draw people’s eyes closer into your body, they have to evaluate you within the context of you. Everything and everyone else around you is irrelevant because you make sense. When you’re in that fitting room just make sure that the lines that run along the sides of your torso and legs angle inward just enough to create a difference between the width of your shoulders and your waist. At the very least keep them straight. If you maintain a strong visual line from your armpits, to your waist, to the ground then you’ve accomplished what you set out to accomplish.

Edith Head

If you maintain a strong visual line from your armpits, to your waist, to the ground then you’ve accomplished what you set out to accomplish.

Edith Head, the costume designer of Old Hollywood, wasn’t just blowing smoke when she said that she could make anyone look taller, shorter, fatter, thinner, older, or younger. She could accomplish all of these things based solely on the fit of any given outfit. Don’t believe me? Take another look at the image below. In that side by side comparison you see the same young man. On the left he’s wearing a suit that he bought straight off of the rack and he never looked back. Nothing has been done for its sake or his, and it shows. He is everything I described before, not to mention he looks heavier and much older.

But look at him on the right. Sure, the fact that it’s a Halsman jump portrait makes him look more energetic and vital, but look at him in those clothes. He’s cutting a practically lethal figure of virile male splendor that anyone with the ability to see is unable to deny, and it’s all because he isn’t wearing a damn sack.

But let’s drive the point home. Here’s our two favorite computer pitchmen. Here’s a PC and here’s a Mac, and they’re both wearing pants that ensure that their lines die with them. See, when you wear pants with that much volume at the bottom it works against the natural sightlines of your body (in this case, your legs in conjunction with your torso), and adds a heaviness to your overall appearance that undoes anything good about the rest of what you’re wearing. The bagginess spreads out your base and makes your body appear to be taking up more space. Rather than your legs being separated out and giving you a leaner silhouette, they now become thick enough to echo the width of your torso — making you a solid visual block: a filled-in rectangle instead of a balanced out collection of separate shapes.

Why the Average Joe would hit the tailor shop.

Let’s say, though, that you do have diligent shopping habits. You have gone to the trouble to find out which fits and which brands work for you; but even the best of the best still doesn’t quite work. Perhaps the legs are a little too full at the sides, or maybe there’s too much room in the seat and it makes your ass look saggy. What do you do then?

Get thee to a tailor.

I can feel you getting more overwhelmed already, but going to a tailor is a much less intense experience than shopping. It’s typically just you and the tailor, and it’s quiet. And best of all, they know what needs to happen without you even telling them. I’m not advocating paying for the same thing twice, but I do recommend finding clothes that you like enough to invest in. You’re not getting less for your money. Instead of buying more, you’re tightening the focus of what you want to present to the world.

And best of all, they know what needs to happen without you even telling them.

Making sense of your closet.

Have you ever gone through you closet and found a shirt you’d forgotten about, or worse, don’t even remember buying? We all have, and it sucks. When you’ve got so much crap hanging around that you can’t even keep it all straight, you’ve got to reevaluate your approach.

This may be Thom Browne’s defining principle: He only makes a few things in a few ways because he knows how easy it is to get lost. The articles that seem like extra choices and options can actually be extremely limiting. For one thing, you might not even remember you own that item, and for another, that one piece of clothing may only go with one other thing. If you can’t think of at least three different ways to wear whatever you’re getting ready to buy, then don’t.

If you can’t think of at least three different ways to wear whatever you’re getting ready to buy, then don’t.

Really figuring out what you want and why you want it can lead you to answers that may answer other questions. And so we arrive at the point where everything converges and the outlines of a higher truth come into focus. You are only as limited in your choices as you are in your ideas and interpretations. I’ve got things I’ve had for years that I’m still finding new things to do with, and in finding those new ways or finding new things I have to honestly ask myself why am I wearing/doing this? What does this have to do with me? All of it says something about who I am and where I am in my life. After all, the choices you make in your life are only as frivolous as how you think about them. Does getting your shit together mean buying some nice pants? I don’t know, but if it doesn’t, hey, you have some nice pants.