The NFL Tackle: Tim vs. Terry – Week 5

The dinner bell done rung, folks. Welcome to Week 5 of XFL Battleshits with Timoteo “The Reststop” Kelly and Terrence “Bootylicious” Erickson!

Tim: Wait, XFL was cancelled? When? Why weren’t Terry and I informed? Okay, I guess we can do NFL Tackle instead. Terry, we cool?

Terry: …

Tim: Terry’s lead grows and so too does the vat of aus jus he will be dunking nuggets of my first born child in (we made a bet, people). But I’m vigilant. I’m steadfast that when it’s all said and done, I can still pull this one out.

This is an entirely new NFL in 2011, my friends. Look no further than the Detroit Lions. Last year they were 6-10 on the season, this year they’re 4-0.

Wait, no they’re not, they’re 8-0! The Lions haven’t lost a game since Week 13 of the 2010 season. That’s incredible even if it weren’t the Lions. Can anyone argue that the NFC North isn’t the strongest division in the NFL right now? You’ve got two 4-0 teams, two teams that played in the NFC Championship last year, and of course the Super Bowl champions themselves. Oh, and you also have the 0-4 Minnesota Vikings. But the less said about those hobos, the better.

Terry: Dude, I’m in absolute love with this year of football. Not because I’m up in our picks (though it is a comfort), but because this uncertainty is the real deal. The league standings haven’t returned to the status quo. Tim, I’m so happy to be journeying this uncertain wasteland with you, foraging for fuel and fighting off marauding former Colts fans.

I’m naming your first born “First Course”. Respectfully.

Hitpoints:

• A moment of silence for Hank Williams Jr. (Sports Illustrated)
• The Andrew Luck Sweepstakes, where losing is relatively okay (SB Nation)
• Breaking: Brett Favre is still a humongous douche (ESPN)
• Tim double-checked and yes, the XFL is still cancelled (Wikipedia)
• Warning: Remember to wear a poncho when you write a Walter Peyton tell-all book. Da Coach will spit on you. (Huffington Post)

Football Pickens

Sunday:

Arizona Cardinals (1-3) at Minnesota Vikings (0-4)

Tim: Some disclosure: I live in Minnesota, have for some time. And, having moved around a little bit, I’m not skittish in saying that Minnesota fans are by far the worst grouping of fans in the history of the universe. Admittedly, they’re not all bad (and if you’re reading, congrats on having great taste). But on the whole, no group is more annoying when their team wins yet more willing to abandon them when the chips are down. I can’t enjoy the Vikings being 0-4, because their fans don’t even care enough about their team to talk some friendly trash. That’s shameful, and it’s a sad state of affairs. Hopefully, the Los Angeles Vikings fans will be more supportive. Vikings, because it has to happen sooner or later. It has to, right?

Terry: Having the Chiefs beat the Vikings is enough insult to injury, isn’t it? By laws of science, it should be no problem for the Cards. To me, it’s looking like Minnesota will be going 0-5, leaving me wondering what regime changes are in store for the franchise. Something has to be done to get this team out of the toilet.

Tim: May I suggest flushing?

Seattle Seahawks (1-3) at New York Giants (3-1)

Terry:  You know what? My caution to the wind pick of the week: Those Fucking Seahawks. Despite being 1-3, Seattle has been extremely unpredictable with their offense. And though they’re coming off a loss – that last week was scrappy. I’m not sleeping on ‘em.

Tim: One look at Eli Manning’s stats this season and I find myself disagreeing. This season, the healthier Manning brother is rocking a QB rating of 105.6 and a 64% completion rating. I like taking chances too, Terry. But I also never bet against a sure thing. The Giants got this.

Kansas City Chiefs (1-3) at Indianapolis Colts (0-4)

Tim: Here’s a funny thought, this is a must lose game for both teams. Why is that? Because both teams are now contestants in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes! I don’t know who to go with here. Neither team has a shot at the playoffs. Let’s go to the coin: Colts

Terry:  By law of averages alone, the Colts have to win this. The constant urine stream that has been showering Indianapolis may finally be interrupted with Kansas City. If they can’t beat these guys, then why play at all? I’m gonna give it to the Colts this week.

Tennessee Titans (3-1) at Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2)

Terry:  Shoddy refereeing or not, Pittsburgh got handled by Houston. That can’t feel too good, and if you read last week’s picks you know it surprised both of us. Pittsburgh has to be fuming, but as the weeks progress, that doesn’t seem to mean much anymore.  I’m gonna say the Steelers O line collapses again, and the deserving Titans take full advantage this week.

Tim: A couple things to consider: First, the game’s in Pittsburgh this week. The fans in the Pitt are going to get up for this one. Second, rumors across the wire are saying that Tomlin put his players in full pads twice this week. This is do-or-die time for the Steelers. I don’t think they’ll have a championship season, but I do think they can fart by this Sunday: Steelers

Cincinnati Bengals (2-2) at Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3)

Tim: Cinci’s defense will provide them with the W. Neither team is all that good, but I think the Bengals limp back to a winning record here.

Terry:  Cincinnati stopped the unstoppable Bills. I never thought I’d ever be typing “unstoppable” and “Bills” in the same sentence, which means quite a lot. The Bengals were a team that we both sort of wrote off in our first column, and they’ve proven that they’re anything but useless. Expect the Jaguars to get spanked again: Bengals

New Orleans Saints (3-1) at Carolina Panthers (1-3)

Terry:  The Panthers came close to a victory over the Bears, leaving everybody a bit depressed (including myself). I think Cam Newton will continue to throw the ball well, but like Tim said last week, they have probably peaked. Think the Saints are gonna somehow put up less of a fight, especially considering their bye (I mean victory over Jacksonville…whoops) last week? Doubtful.

Tim: The Panthers are 0-3 whenever Cam Newton throws over 370 yards. What the hell kind of stat is that? Tight end Jimmy Graham is becoming a big target for QB Drew Brees. How much you want to bet that Carolina comes close again but doesn’t get it done in the fourth quarter? Saints

Oakland Raiders (2-2) at Houston Texans (3-1)

Terry:  I think Houston isn’t finished wiping Big Ben’s blood off their cleats. Okay, okay. Seriously. This will be a great game, and would be my other pick for Game of the Week if I could go twosies. Raiders are gonna smash faces. Texans are gonna smash faces. I’m picking Texans for this, if only because it’s their turf, and that Steelers blood is like Hulk blood.

Tim: Houston Texans are synonymous with two things: One is diabetes. I forgot the second thing, but their team is playing damn good football this season: Texans

Philadelphia Eagles (1-3) at Buffalo Bills (3-1)

Tim: You have to admit Terry, I was right about the Eagles. There’s too much ego and money at play for them to be a cohesive unit. That’s what happens with teams built out of free agency (and a late one at that), there simply isn’t enough time to learn the schemes and build properly. That said, I’m not confident in picking the Bills here. The Bills are already looking ahead to the showdown against Washington, and I’m betting they overlook the Eagles. Never underestimate a team coached by Andy Reid in a must-win situation. Eagles will take it, but I expect some injuries in the process.

Terry:  I concede, Tim. The Eagles have a lot to work to make up from last week, when the 49ers clinched a last minute (and awesome) victory. I don’t think Buffalo’s underestimating anything, though, considering they finally tasted some blood in their skirmish with Cincinatti. Vick’s out for some more, but I’m gonna take Buffalo, if only for argument’s sake.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1) at San Francisco 49ers (3-1)

Terry:  Two teams that nobody thought would be 3-1 are 3-1. How does that work? Is there a private service that these guys are calling? I kid, Harbaugh has been whipping San Francisco into a lean, mean, mostly winning machine, and Tampa Bay actually learned what a touchdown is. I’m gonna take the 49ers here, if only because I think Coach Harbaugh is out to make something special out of these guys. Not that Tampa Bay isn’t trying.

Tim: Those Harbaugh brothers can coach the shit outta some football, eh Terry? In real life, an actual buccaneer would waste a San Franciscan miner. But, perhaps sadly, that’s an oiled, shirtless (bearded) battle that’s only ever waged in the darkest corners of my mind. And wow, I really wish the delete button on my keyboard wasn’t completely out of commission now: 49ers

San Diego Chargers (3-1) at Denver Broncos (1-3)

Terry:  The odds are telling me to go with the Chargers. The duo of Ryan Mathews and Mike Tolbert have been getting these guys some serious points. Mother forgive me, but I’m gonna side with the Broncos this week. Their one win for them was at home, and again, this is a must win for them. I’ve made stupider choices before.

Tim: Yeah, no: Chargers

New York Jets (2-2) at New England Patriots (3-1)

Tim: This is the game of the week for me. The 3-1 Patriots defense allowed 504 yards last week. Their yardage allowed per game in earlier weeks isn’t any rosier. But can a crumbling Jets offense hold it together long enough to net some points for themselves? There’s a lot of questions going into this game, but Mark Sanchez and his firm buttocks… oh god, not again… I mean Mark Sanchez and his tight buttocks will lead the Jets down the field and into the locker room for a winning shower.

Terry:  I’m sorry, I’m still in shock that Baltimore managed to play all four quarters last week.

Okay, so where are we? Oh, right. This game. The game of the week. It’s sizzling with tasty competition. But it’s hard to digest and needs some sort of medical supplement if I want to pass it. That Pats D is crumbling with every game, Sanchez has decent control of his offense, and Rex Ryan is just mad all the time. Expect him to hate-fuck his own team into beating New England: Jets

Green Bay Packers (4-0) at Atlanta Falcons (2-2)

Terry: C’mon. Who is Aaron Rodgers murdering this week? Next. Packers.

Tim: Old coot Brett Lorenzo Favre went on record this week saying that he was surprised this Packers team didn’t win the Super Bowl earlier, and that Aaron Rodgers lucked into his situation as the Packers QB.

Hey Brett, I don’t remember you winning a Super Bowl with these same guys back in 2007. I also don’t remember you winning a Super Bowl with that solid Vikings squad a couple years back, where you were paid $16 million to drive a burgeoning team into the ground.

I do remember you texting pecker pics to staff members when you were with the Jets, though. I also remember that you’re an egotistical doof whose only focus is sounding off in rambling diatribes so you can jerk off from your tractor when guys like Terry or I print your name. So you’re welcome, and fuck off: Packers

Monday:

Chicago Bears (2-2) at Detroit Lions (4-0)

Tim: This game scares me. I expected the Lions D to be this good. What’s throwing me for a loop is how productive the Lions offensive game has become. Matthew Stafford is healthy and Calvin “Megatron” Johnson is a beast at receiver. And it’s Week fucking 5. How’d we get here? On the flip side, my Bears are playing like the team everyone thought they were last year, which is mediocre.

The Lions’ weakness is at their offensive line, something the Bears should be able to exploit. But last week’s performance against the weak Carolina O line didn’t net them any sacks. It pains me to say it, and I hope I’m wrong but… psych! Bears win and they win by 10,000 points. Screw your logic, Terry.

Terry:  I understand your undying love for the Bears, Tim. I really do. Beating Carolina isn’t an easy thing this year, but these guys did it. All of your points are valid and well said. And while Suh isn’t the end-all tackle we thought he would be I see the Lions making their way into the spotlight with a victory over Chicago this week. It’s their year. We’re gonna see some magic in Detroit. The Bears will cry 10,000 tears.

So that about wraps things up for Week 5. Fifteen more weeks until we’re all miserable again!