Man vs. Stink: Every Man Jack

The idea of rubbing Every Man Jack on oneself sounds eerily like an initiation rite at Lompoc Prison, but luckily it isn’t. Every Man Jack is a no bullshit brand of men’s hygiene products that aren’t overpriced, don’t try to lure customers in with the promise of sex, and actually do the job they advertise doing. Their products are packaged in a basic yet classy way that tells their owner “Trust Me, I’ll Clean You… And Get Over Yourself.”

Refreshing.

This Guy received a handful of Every Man Jack products to try on their person and the results ranged from good to excellent and it was a nice change of pace to see products with normal realistic names rather than lowest common denominator monikers like “Tiger’s Musk,” “Ravishing Screw,” or “Energy Aphrodisiac Galaxy Heat.”

Citrus. Cedarwood. No less manly but much less bullshit.

♦ The Citrus Deodorant was the first customer and it came through quite well. Every Man Jack promises that the product features “NO ALUMINUM. NO PROPYLENE GLYCOL. NO PARABENS. NO PHTHALATES. NO ANIMAL TESTING. NO ANIMAL BYPRODUCT,” which is a load off This Guy’s mind though most of those words have never been seen or heard in This Guy’s lifetime.

The thought of aluminum in the armpit isn’t a pleasant one.

The scent is faint yet fresh and inviting and though the duration of the effect isn’t nearly as long as that of an antiperspirant, it’s a nice solid addition to a Guy’s medicine cabinet.

♦ The Citrus Scrub is even better. A full day’s worth of cleanliness without the residual coat of fake scent that many body washes contain, the Every Man Jack product is subtle and effective. It’s one thing to arrive on the scene smelling and feeling fresh and another altogether to distract the surrounding audience with a bouquet that doesn’t suit a gentleman.

When they can smell you before you come around the corner something is wrong.

This is a lush but manly cocktail of coconutty citrus complete with microbeads that dig deep and send yesterday’s detritus packing.

♦  Best yet is the Citrus Scrub Body Bar. A bar of soap with all the benefits of the body wash but with the power of wheat. This bar of soap that is ribbed for his pleasure on one side has become This Guy’s soap of choice for all time. It provides deep cleansing without a feminine scent (a trait many name-brand soaps carry) and never becomes a disgusting thing to use.

Many bars of soap become unwieldy gross lumps of primordial ooze after repeated use but the Every Man Jack brand holds its form and effectiveness even after the grooves wear out.

It is a must buy item and one that leaves the washee refreshed but not feeling like they’ve compromised themselves in any way. A delightful compliment to a person of repute.

In closing, the Every Man Jack brand may not enthrall the Queer Eye/Straight Guy demographic but for men looking to be clean, fresh, and stink free without being a billboard for some stranger’s vision of what a man should be, it is manna from Heaven and a very smart buy.

And there’s no goddamn aluminum to worry about.