You Don’t Need It: Pumptastic Failures NSFW

Guy.com likes to keep its readers up to date on the realm of pleasure. After all, life ain’t just about good food, a good smoke, and great music. Sometimes we gotta go south to go north. And sometimes the tools of the trade are ridiculous.

I went penis-pump shopping for you guys today. It was rough. After we just finished talking about how 11,531 other penises of history can attest to the fact that your size is probably quite adequate, here we go offering you an array of penis pumps. But these aren’t necessarily ones we recommend. In fact, we’re not sure why they exist. What follows below are the most baffling of this old standard of men’s toys we could find.

1. Big Man’s Pump 12″ Cylinder

Let’s say you get caught with your dick in your hand. If your wife or girlfriend is cool enough, she’ll be totally… well… pumped. It’s one of the few things that guys seem to have a problem doing in front of their women, and you probably really don’t want to get caught using some kind of masturbator toy that you bought in secret. The Makers of the Big Man’s Pump don’t give a shit about your psyche. Bitch, you are small, and you need an ENLARGER — one that could probably expose your acts on Google Earth should you bring this one out to your back yard. One of the many things they left out of this product is the letters A-C-M-E preceding the embarrassingly large text.

2. John’s Only Pump

Click to see dick, or just imagine what's behind the robot. NSFW.

Well, we suppose that if you’re silly enough to buy this, then this may be the only pump your johnson will ever need. But in a world of extreme dick suck, RoboSuk 2 and the XXX Power Gauge Pump 2.5, this is the most bare bones pump John could come up with for your bone. Will he ever improve on his suck? Nope. This is John’s only pump. If you’re expecting more, take a gander at the 4,000 other products on the market or consult a hooker.

3. Accomodator Personal Exercise Pump

An exercise pump. Sure, buddy. See #1.

4. Boner Booster Pump Glow In The Dark

Make your own glow-stick! If your fetish is shooting radio-active jism around town, then set this thingy on the window sill all day to get it fired up. Turn out the lights, and pump until glory happens and see what your product looks like as it glows. Is that really what you’re supposed to expect out of this neon sex tube? The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were almost born this exact way…

5. Waterproof Wall Bangers Vibrating Pump

Well, this toy tunnel brings all new meaning to “first person shooter.” Wall banging here, unlike in Call of Duty, is essentially,  literally… wall-banging. As if you’re not engaging in a totally convenient-for-your-balls but demoralizing-for-you activity, they’ve got to take what creatively awkward thing you’re doing and label you for it. You’re a wall banger, motherfucker.

6. Pure Skin Pump Sleeve – Lips

Downside: many.

Upside: You won’t have to worry about her neglecting to wax her upper lip.

What they help you overachieve in your girth, they massively underachieve in sex appeal. If you’re going for a chick with lockjaw, then boy, for $8.84, you’ve got it.

Don’t get caught with these, guys.