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Animal of the Day: Star-Nosed Mole
H.P. Lovecraft meets the Berenstein Bears.
Animal of the Day: Cuttlefish
It’s like an squid got rear-ended by a stingray!
Animal of the Day: Mantis Shrimp
Beasts are all around us. Many of them are familiar and many of them are so odd and mysterious that they challenge the laws of what we find nonfiction. Each weekday on GUY, we take a look at one of them.
A warning: Some will be adorable. Some will make your skin crawl. Some of them will make you never want to leave the house.
Yesterday’s Animal: The Sea Pig!
Today’s Animal: The Mantis Shrimp!
Classified: Single Multicolored Male Looking For Something To Annihilate With Smashes To The Face. Call 555-8362.
Ever been punched in the face by God? Millions of small sea creatures have. At least they thought it was God.
In actuality it was a mantis shrimp. Neither mantis nor shrimp, the mantis shrimp is a seafaring crustacean whose unique beauty is only matched by its ability to deliver high octane punches that stun, sadden, and kill. There are many breeds of the creature and some are more punchy than others but the bottom line is that the mantis shrimp is best known for its ability to strike. Strike hard. Some have said that they’ve actually broken the glass of aquariums with a smash. Probably not the best way to stick it to the man. Unless they also possess the ability to punch seawater through their gills. It’s very hard to continue the best aquatic punching the world has ever seen while drying on the floor of your owner’s apartment.
A popular choice for tank owners, these colorful oddities hide most of the time and root around in little tunnels they make. They’re nice to look at. But the real reason people love them is because they whup ass. Though the pistol shrimp is known for the cracking sound its ferocious little claws make the mantis shrimp owns it every day of the week. The mantis strikes with ferocity and speed that is a sight to behold as evidenced by the hundreds of videos on the web where amateur filmmakers put unfortunate creatures in with the mantis just to watch it shatter their dreams. Its grace and complexity is no match for humanity’s desire to stage primitive gladiatorial battles in their homes.
The mantis shrimp also has beautiful eyes and distinct coloration but it’s all about the punching.
Quick Hits:
- If it were horse sized, we’d… BE PUNCHED THROUGH THE EARTH’S CORE.
- If it had wings, it’d… SOMEHOW PUNCH THE MOON AWAY.
- If granted human intellect, it’d… LURE US IN FOR TEA AND THEN PUNCH THE TEAPOT THROUGH US.
- If ‘Day of the Animals’ happened, we’d… THINK WE WERE SAFE ON LAND UNTIL IT PUNCHED AN OYSTERÂ THROUGH US.
Have a peek. This showcases the creature without any casualties:
Remember: It is a seafaring crustacean whose unique beauty is only matched by its ability to deliver high octane punches that stun, sadden, and kill.
I have a checkered relationship with marine crustaceans… I generally like to think of myself as a friend to all the creatures of the Undersea Kingdom. I try and do my best to remember that they evolved under radically different conditions than land based lifeforms. Sure, they look “weird” to our eyes, but if we’d spent our lives beneath the waves? There’s a good chance they’d appear perfectly ordinary to us
With that said…
While I’m a long time fan of lobster, crab cakes and shrimp, unfortunately in recent times I’ve had a growing unease with shrimp. Last year at New Years I had shrimp that ended up bioluminescing once I threw them away, and to say that event gave me a case of the creeping willies would be radically understating the horror and revulsion I felt run through me when I noticed the shrimp tales glowing blue. I’ve never been entirely comfortable with crustaceans to begin with. Eating them is one thing, but whenever they’re on the menue I feel like it’s a constant struggle for me not to think about the fact that when you get right down to it they’re basically sea bugs that feast on rotting flesh
Crabs look OK I guess, despite the resemblance to spiders, but all the little spindly hairs and whiskers on shrimp don’t do much to calm my stomach, and I’m afraid this Mantis Shrimp is particularly unpleasent looking. Nick, you may have assigned it a rating of CUTE, but I think on this one I’m going to have to say that I think it looks pretty horrible
If you saw that creature on land it would send you running the other way, and frankly? If I encountered it in it’s natural habitat, I don’t think I’d feel any more comfortable
Ugh I published this comment before I spell checked. Forgive my ignorance about spelling, and know I feel horribly embarrassed