Animal of the Day: Sea Pig

Beasts are all around us. Many of them are familiar and many of them are so odd and mysterious that they challenge the laws of what we find nonfiction. Each weekday on GUY, we take a look at one of them.

A warning: Some will be adorable. Some will make your skin crawl. Some of them will make you never want to leave the house.

Yesterday’s Animal: The Cuttlefish!
Today’s Animal: The Sea Pig!

A larval Busey.

Sea Cucumbers and other members of the Holothuroidea class of marine invertebrates make a strong case against the existence of God, Mother Nature, The Great Tree, and of Joey the Sleepytime Ghoul. They move along the sea’s floor looking like a mixture of science fiction and the stuff that makes science fiction shit itself and their complete disdain towards having a face of any kind only makes their place in this world more baffling. One of the rules of being an animal is to have a face. It’s the least you can do.

Have the dignity to have a face.

The Sea Pig in name alone sounds like a creature worth checking out. Maybe it’s a gluttonous finned fatbody or some sort of nutty offshoot of a walrus. But it isn’t. It’s a thing that moves around like it just burst out of Wilford Brimley and it feeds by absorbing minerals through its crazy tentacled “mouth”. It sounds like a creature worth checking out but in actually it should be never even known of. Especially considering that when these blubbery sacs of troubling matter are spotted, it is not in groups of one or two. Many of these jellied horrors are seen patrolling the ocean floor like a plague of pink locusts. All of them dripping around waving their questionable appendages. All of them looking like one of those photos we’ve seen of human parasites blown up a hundred times in size. They look like they just caught the latest shuttle from Klendathu and are bone tired and filled with tension. They don’t have a face so they certainly don’t have a back to rub.

HUNDREDS OF SEA PIGS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE.

Imagine seeing that alien water dance. It would not be outside the realm of logic to simply remove your breathing apparatus, your diving mask, and bash yourself into sweet nothingness with a sea rock. It’s a better outcome than being around these nightmares.

Quick Hits:

• If it were horse sized, we’d… VOMIT ALL OVER OUR HANDS.
• If it had wings, it’d… MAKE BIRDS PUKE.
• If granted human intellect, it’d… LIE STILL AND THINK WHILE MAKING EVERYTHING AROUND IT TOSS THEIR LUNCH.
• If ‘Day of the Animals’ happened, we’d… BE A DRY HEAVING CIVILIZATION.

Have a peek. It’s like something pretty was put into the Fly’s telepod with a condom and a lava lamp:

Remember: They move along the sea’s floor looking like a mixture of science fiction and the stuff that makes science fiction shit itself.