What Your Media Thinks of You: Coke

If an alien civilization were to stumble upon a time capsule with just humanity’s advertisements a case could be made for their decision to obliterate mankind from existence. The way humans market to other humans and the broad strokes in which they paint them is offensive, unfair, and just plain dumb. For example:

Coke’s “Happiness Factory”

Cola-Cola spares no expense in getting the word out about its sugar water. What boggles the mind is the lengths they and Pepsi go to stay in front of their audience. If they stopped advertising for a year it’s not like billions would flock to some other cola manufacturer. People don’t often decide they want a carbonated cola beverage. They want a Coke. That word is a synonym for the liquid. Pepsi as well. They’re both just ways to say soda pop. If you were to poll kids the majority would enforce that idea. They’d also probably think that thing boys put on to put in when she puts out’s technical name is a Trojan.

Because brand is king.

A few years back, Coca-Cola unleashed what may be the most egocentric commercial in history. A commercial where we see behind the scenes of what happens between the coin slot and the popping of a bottle cap.

“The Happiness Factory“, a CGI mini film seemingly belched from the Tim Burton wing of of some well funded marketing firm. The spot purports that there’s a magical land where God = Coke and it is the elixir of the cosmos rather than an artificially sweetened collection of empty calories.

Behold:

Your Media Thinks You Will Wowed By Spectacle.

To say this ad (and this freakish longer cousin) goes beyond the realm of self importance is an undertaking. The idea that thousands of poorly designed fantastical creatures exist in a subworld where the only unified goal is delivering soft drinks to ruffled Twentysomethings is obviously the work of marketing exaggeration. The people at Coke must realize they have factories and assembly lines making their product. Demonicals and Weirdlings and Creepalongs aren’t actually on payroll creating the juice from the sap of Dreamtrees. It’s not that these marketing hotshots are deluded. It’s just the sheer arrogance of the idea. The time and money and theatrical presentation behind it is stupefying. The thought of someone watching this unwanted short film and deciding to buy a Coke product seems nearly as farfetched as the conceit of the ad itself.

Your Media Thinks Coke is the Event.

The biggest annoyance of the ad is that an obviously happy couple wants to get a soft drink for the movie, and the damn thing takes too long. Probably because there is an army of amorphous monsters making the departure of a bottle akin to the launch of a rocket ship or the opening of the Olympics. Regardless, when the drink finally gets to the dude his lady has already taken off. So, he misses the beginning of the movie and irritates his broad because Coca-Cola’s little Alternative Universe has fucked it up for everyone.

It’s one thing to have some fun with advertising. Try to entertain the audience and do more than slap a logo in front of a savvy viewership. It’s something altogether different to take something and blow its importance into the Heavens.

Based on this ad, possible taglines:

• Coke: Where the Dark Magicks conspire to feed you!
  
• Coke: Have a Coke and a Smile. And Thousands of Boxed-Up Monsters Feeling You Owe Them.
  
• Coke: You Just Drank Bugbear Jizz.
  
• Coke: We Hired The Nightmares Under Your Bed.
• Coke: We Scoff At Your God!

Consensus:

You will feel like you’re a part of something special.

Perhaps Coca-Cola ought to realize they have market share because we like cola and because it goes good with liquor. In the old days they had commercials that felt real, people bonded together and they shared a Coke. Now it’s bombastic and built entirely about creating a nearly mythic importance to what is really just a simple can of flavored sugar water. Relax Coke. We’re in this together, you and us. Don’t get all big and bad.

We are unique and special snowflakes.