The Worst: Luis Moreno, Soccer Dickhead

Luis Moreno is a soccer player who gets paid to kick things. Actually one specific thing. A ball. But kicking a ball isn’t what the Columbian Moreno is famous for, is it? No, he’s famous [or rather infamous] for kicking an owl. In the pantheon of Owl Kickers, Luis Moreno is Zeus. He’s also Poseiden, Athena, Hercules, and the Kraken. Obviously no friend of Bubo. The pantheon of known Owl Kickers has a membership of Luis Moreno and no one else. Because kicking an owl is one of the dumbest and most cruel things a person can do. Even people who don’t get paid handsomely for kicking things professionally are ruinous to prone birds, but a man whose only career is built around delivering power to the foot is a walking catastrophe.

If you don’t know the story, Moreno and his Deportivo Perreira soccer team were visiting Junior de Barranquilla for a match when the home team’s mascot (an owl) found itself  on the pitch. Dazed from an unlikely hit from a kicked ball, it lied on the turf scared and dealing with the shock of the moment. Not dead, mind you. Dazed. It was going to live.

Then Luis Moreno walked over and kicked it. In front of thousands and live cameras. The video is readily available though it won’t be linked to from this site. It is a mindless and evil act. Animal cruelty. Despite the soccer player’s “reasoning” for the act:

“It wasn’t my intention to hit the animal. What I tried to do was wake it up so it could fly.” - A lie from Luis Moreno.

Resuscitation by kicking hasn’t caught up with the medical community just yet, that’s all. Perhaps there common form of frontier medicine that stated the cure for when a loved one or horse fell ill was repeated kicks to the face. Even if the injury was to the knee or chest. Maybe that happened.

Then again, what if kicking the owl worked? What if the injured bird, upon being kicked by Moreno soared high into the sky with its wings outstretched and its beak chattering anxiously? The world would see this man as a hero. A veterinary legend. Alas it wasn’t meant to be. He’s just a simple minded dickhead with strong calves.

The owl died of shock after being taken for proper non-kick treatment. Moreno was reprimanded but suffice it to say it was not reciprocal to the owl’s punishment. But that’s not the end of the story. Moreno and his healing kicks have returned to the public. Witness:

Maybe he was hoping for the fallen player to sprout wings and fly away as well.

Is it safe to say it’s time to do something about this obviously dangerous person? There are acts that a criminal profiler would determine to be warning signs that a person just isn’t right in the head.