Unpopular News Special Edition: The Owl of Knoxville

Shit’s blowing up and people are dying all the time at least somewhere in the world. That’s big news. And the giant news networks treat these breaking news stories in a way that defines both overblown and overrated.  You see it, you read it, and then you continue to be insulted by its ubiquitous coverage on networks like CNN and Fox News, and then you go to your computer and see it diarrhea-ed all over the internet.  We need a cure.  In the spirit of embracing oblivion, Guy.com offers you the least trending topics we can find.  In fact, we’re not even sure these items are news. But your local newspaper begs to differ.

Original Headline:

Judge Richard Baumgartner through the years

Knoxnews.com
Knoxville, Tennessee
Staff Photographers: Michael Patrick, J. Miles Cary,

Ever heard someone called an “old bird”? Meet Criminal Court Judge Richard Baumgartner of Knoxville, Tennessee. The editorial staff at the Knoxnews.com newspaper thought that what the world needed was a gallery of his wrinkled, judicial face. What we got was a shoddy photographic retrospective of the local judge who is less photogenic than a bloody razor.

We’re sure he’s had an impressive career and is worthy of all due respect.* Yet our eyes tell us that he is a creature that floats about in a gaping black robe, gesturing like a crab, and scowling at the innocent and guilty alike. We’ve never seen anything like this. If you’re going to commemorate someone like this, just go for an official portrait. Only a brush smashed full of oil and pigment can handle a face like this. It’s the most amazing train wreck we’ve ever seen.

and more…

Imagine handing this guy some coffee in the morning. Beer face for everything.

Guess: casting a spell or condemning someone to die?

Click to enlarge.

We’re not done.

Click to enlarge Owl Triptych.

Never more has a judge’s robe looked more like a disheveled wind breaker in a category 3 hurricane. In addition to maintaining a standard of law and order in this Tennessee town, he was also voted as the Man Least Likely to Enjoy a Lap Dance in 2009. **

See the full gallery here.

Baumgartner the day he was booked. Knoxnews.com says it's for a "poster."

*Actually, he’s had to step down recently because of an illegal pain killer fiasco. Seems he was caught purchasing the drugs. Here’s hoping he can put this all behind him so he can fly free to his perch in a very tall tree while he squints down upon us, judging us all while his  feathers ruffle in the breeze.

**Hearsay.