Unpopular News: Man Experiences Fake Vertigo After Human Tooth Found in KFC Chicken

Shit’s blowing up and people are dying all the time at least somewhere in the world. That’s big news. And the giant news networks treat these breaking news stories in a way that defines both overblown and overrated. You see it, you read it, and then you continue to be insulted by its ubiquitous coverage on networks like CNN and Fox News, and then you go to your computer and see it diarrhea-ed all over the internet. We need a cure. In the spirit of embracing oblivion, Guy.com offers you the least trending topics we can find. In fact, we’re not even sure these items are news. But your local newspaper begs to differ.

Original Headline:

Man loses lawsuit over tooth found in KFC chicken

The Montgomery Advertiser
Montgomery, Alabama
Reporting Journalist: Montgomery Advertiser Staff Editor

One day, Joel Gunn left his shitty job to run through the KFC drive-thru for lunch. He figured the fried chicken would comfort him over his sad state in life. He returned to his desk at the warehouse and started munching, and then he noticed something funky in the fried chicken thigh on his plate. He dug through the grease and gristle, and what he found was what looked like a human tooth. Perceiving it as  found buried (and fried) treasure, Gunn called his wife and told her it was payday.

The man offended by the tooth took three days off of work, claiming he was too sick and traumatized to carry out normal activity, and said the tooth stressed him out for weeks. He claimed to be nauseous and suffer from vertigo.

He real-sued KFC for his fake-distress.

The Alabama Court of Civil Appeals just fed him bad news: He is a greedy idiot that makes poor health choices and we won’t receive a dime. Let’s hope he kept the tooth for the tooth fairy.

Read the original bullshit tale here.