Unpopular News: Fire Hazard Fred

Shit’s blowing up and people are dying all the time at least somewhere in the world. That’s big news. And the giant news networks treat these breaking news stories in a way that defines both overblown and overrated. You see it, you read it, and then you continue to be insulted by its ubiquitous coverage on networks like CNN and Fox News, and then you go to your computer and see it diarrhea-ed all over the internet. We need a cure. In the spirit of embracing oblivion, Guy.com offers you the least trending topics we can find. In fact, we’re not even sure these items are news. But your local newspaper begs to differ.

Headline:

French Fry Fuel: Soldotna man uses greasy waste for heat, transportation

The Peninsula Clarion
Kenai Peninsula, Alaska
Reporting Journalist: Brielle Schaeffer

We renamed him Fred for the headline because he is disposable and we’re more interested in alliteration. The dude’s name is Paul and he’s a cheap-skate. This Alaska man collects french fry grease year round, and lets it sit in jugs around his shop to settle and separate so that he can pour the thinner oil from off the top to use to power his car. He proudly boasts that he now gets about 50 miles per gallon in his ’76 Mercedes as opposed to a mere 25 mpg by cutting the diesel fuel with french fry grease.

One might start to wonder if his shop and house are taking on more of the qualities of a fast food restaurant or bonfire, but only time will tell. Why save for the future when your garage might blow up today?

Read the original penny-pinching precept here.