Guy’s Guide: Queueing For a Show

Waiting in line isn’t much fun. No matter who is playing there will come a point when you question whether six hours in the rain is worth it. You’ve got the CD at home, right? Sadly, most of us aren’t related to or currently romantically attached to a rock star so the queue is a necessary part of the gig experience.

But fear not! The well prepared rocker can trump any obstacle. What follows is our guide to surviving the queue.

You will need:

A novelty T -Shirt
What you wear to a gig is important. Commonly, a shirt bearing the name/logo of the band in question is worn. This is acceptable, encouraged even, but to really stand out, you might consider wearing the shirt of an even bigger band. For example, if you are queueing for Motorhead, wear an AC-DC T-Shirt, if you are queueing for AC-DC wear an Iron Maiden T-Shirt. This establishes you as a fan of the particular genre but lends you an air of mystique and authority that will impress. It should be noted that if you are going to an Iron Maiden gig and don’t have a Iron Maiden shirt you are required to go topless.

An MP3 player
At some point while you wait, a small section of the queue will start singing one of the band’s songs. It will either tail off embarrassingly or gain momentum and spread through the line. Either way it will sound terrible and, if you are exposed to it for too long, might actually put you off the song. Ensure that your music player is fully charged and your headphones are loud enough to drown out the noise. For a bit of fun try to sync up the particular song with the people in the queue and see how well they keep in time.

Alcohol
How much will depend on how long you intend to queue. Typically two to three units per hour is recommended but there are factors to consider. Is it a hot day? Double it. Is it raining? Double it. Does the day have the letter ‘A’ in it? Double it. Do you have eyes? Double it…

Who to expect

Like Vladimir Propp’s theory of narrative structure all gig queues follow the same pattern, with various key groups or characters making an appearance. It’s vital that you know who to befriend and who to avoid.

The Door Staff
It’s very important to get in with the door staff early on. You want these guys as allies, because when the queue falls apart (and it will) you want the man standing between you and the music on your side.

It’s vital that you know who to befriend and who to avoid.

Approach them immediately and strike up a rapport. It’s not a great idea to open with a joke – these guys are at work. Imagine being sat at your desk and Chuckles McKnock Knock starts harassing you. Ask a question about the venue, if it’s a small place it’s probably under threat of being turned into apartments. If you have your own ‘doomed venue’ tale to tell you’re set.

The Fan Club members
No matter how early you arrived, these guys got there earlier. These are the elite, they will have organised themselves, set up deck chairs and in some cases a barbecue. At some point the head of the group, or ‘Alpha’, will traipse up and down the line to unofficially give you a number (usually by scrawling it over you hand with a permanent marker). As well intentioned as this is it never, ever works. Try not to get too friendly with these people but remain social – who knows what member-only goodies they will be privy to.

The Tag-a-longs
Always the most entertaining section of the queue are the partners who have been coerced/bribed/dragged to the gig. Seeing these poor, miserable souls desperately trying to keep up their brave faces is always a source of amusement. There will always be at least one partner who gives up and goes home and a great way to pass the time is to start up a ‘Deserter Pool’.

The Clown
There is always a Clown. Always. If there isn’t a Clown in your queue it means you’re it. The Clown takes it upon his or herself to entertain the crowd, usually by force. The Clown usually starts the aforementioned singing, will always try and force a Mexican Wave and will start a slow clap when they decide they’ve been waiting too long. Don’t indulge the Clown, don’t look at the Clown. One moment of eye contact and you’ll spend the next five hours as his or her glamorous assistant.

Queueing Etiquette

Queue Jumping
Queue jumping is strictly prohibited. There is, however, an unwritten rule that a single add on to your group is acceptable, but this lenience must not be abused. If, for example, a friend arrives and stands with you, you’ll get little or no resistance, But if one of their friends then arrives you are then violating the ‘One OK, Two Go-Away’ agreement.

Food runs
You will run out of food (or, for those who only packed alcohol, you have run out of food). Your group can keep your place for you, there are no issues there, but you should make sure the people behind are aware of your intentions. You can make it obvious with an exaggerated announcement to your friends or, if you’re feeling generous you can offer to get supplies for your neighbours, again keep the hell away from the Clown.

The Surge

This is it. It’s six hours later and the doors are about to open. The surge happens in three stages:

1) On your marks. Someone from inside the venue will come outside and whisper something to the door man. They will glance at the now silent queue, exchange stern looks, and both go inside.

2) Get Set. Everyone in the queue takes their positions. People who were sat have been hoisted up and the line starts shuffling forward. Take everyone in your party by the hand, standing at least four abreast. Keep looking forward and hold your ground.

3) Go! Chaos. Every single time. Move with crowd, but hold the line. This is every group for themselves, the numbers on the hand didn’t work and any alliances you’ve formed are dead. At this stage the queue has turned into a screeching, bloodthirsty mob. This next bit is crucial, as you approach the door it will naturally funnel back into a line and if you’re not prepared the pressure could pop your party out of the line. If you hold your ground and work as a unit, you’ll stay in line and the pressure will catapult you all through the door.

You smell that? That’s victory; you’re in. Now for God’s sake, get to the bar.