Part 4: Guy’s Guide to Smoking With Class While Traveling

This isn’t a referendum on smokers’ rights nor on the ongoing controversies about smoking.  It’s not about second hand smoke, teen smoking, state taxes on packs of cigarettes, tobacco execs lying to congress, digitizing cigarettes out of Tom and Jerry cartoons (which is bull feces, FYI) or any of that shit.  Let the American Medical Association, Big Tobacco, parents, Washington lobbyists and politicians hash all that out.  You already smoke and made that decision long ago.  You hit burners, stoke coffin nails, light cigs, torch bogeys, inhale butts…you puff, plain and simple.  But that’s not to say that you can’t do it with some class.  GUY is going to show you how.

Part 4: Smoking While Traveling

First off, we’re not talking about hopping a puddle jumper upstate for a flight of two hours or less, or cramming the wife and kids in the camper, the Kia Rondo or whatever family vehicle you won’t admit to owning.  We’re talking about traveling big: over an ocean, or a continent – or worse – both.  For instance: L.A. to Europe.  That’s around 12 hours on average.  Halfway through that, you’re ready to hijack the plane yourself and steer it toward a non-extradition treaty country that has cheap cigarettes.  Especially if you’re flying coach, which most of us are.  And of course, there’s no bigger enemy to the smoker with class than a friggin’ airport, of which it seems like more and more you can’t smoke within a zip code.

Halfway through that, you’re ready to hijack the plane yourself and steer it toward a non-extradition treaty country that has cheap cigarettes.

There were some recent attempts to get a smoker’s flight going.  Smintair (Smoker’s International Airways) was a planned venture by German financier Alexander Schoppmann that would have had flights between Dusseldorf and Tokyo and had had business and first class seats that catered to smokers in 2007.  Similarly, The Great American Smokers Club would have been a smokers-only charter service between Dallas and Houston.  And Smokers Expressed was to be based in Florida.  Unfortunately, GASC couldn’t secure a license from the FAA and Smokers Express couldn’t raise the capital.  (via Wikipedia)

When traveling, there’s also the question of your destination.  A lot of countries have different laws and / or customs than what you may be used to.  So it’s a good idea to do a tad bit of research about your destination.  Generally, though, it’s better to leave the U.S. and go somewhere else because the routine is usually more relaxed, especially in Europe.  Over there they even smoke while they’re taking leaks…in public.  On the flipside, you’re a foreign smoker hitting the Colonies?  Bring a gas mask and light it up in there when in public, because that’s how draconian the laws here may seem like to you.

The Airport

Let’s stick with the Europe milieu.  If you’re East Coast American, you’re probably looking at about five to eight hours, depending on destination.  That’s tough.  If you’re a West Coast American, it’s utter hell.  Add about another five to seven on top of that.  When you get to the European airport and getting off the plane, you’re probably making like George Costanza when he hears there’s a fire just to get to a smoking area.  Even classy smokers don’t give a shit about appearances when they’re on a cig hiatus of that duration.  More on that later.

So in regards to the airport, it boils down to being prepared.  Some airports have smoking sections, some don’t.  It’s important to know ahead of time.  If you travel semi-frequently, you should already have smoking areas inside the terminal mapped out in your head, because chances are good you’ve already been there.  Also, it’s a good idea to check the website of your destination airport if you’re not also familiar with that one.  If plans or info on smoking areas prove difficult to find online, get chummy with your nearest underwear bomber.  He’ll probably have the airport blueprints up on some wall somewhere.  Check out his handiwork, make note of any smoking areas, then call the Feds…and tell them he’s armed, on meth, and not going to be taken alive.

So then, normal travel rules apply when getting to the airport: get there in plenty of time to get your seat set up.  But delay getting on the plane as long as possible.  Wait till the last second, mainline about three or four heaters if you can manage it.  Then slog through the TSA manraping and be on your way to the plane.  If there’s a smoking area in the terminal, pray silently and thank God.  If not, take a mental note to find out the identity and home address of the airport administrator and send him a package of shitcake with cigarette butt frosting.  GUY will exempt you from any classlessness in this regard.

The Plane

Unless you’re willing to risk a felony and a stiff fine in the lav, when it comes to smoking on a plane, you’re Marcellus and the airline is Zed.  Once you come to terms with that, you can at least lube up in stead of taking it dry.  And you do that by, again, being prepared.  If you’re looking at 12 hours+ on a plane, there are a couple of things you can try to manage the experience.  First, get to the airport exhausted, and I mean like you need to be carried through the airport by loved ones if at all possible.  Stay up all night before you get on the plane if you can.  Stay up for two days before if you can  The sleepier you are, the more sack time you’re going to want on the plane.  More sack time = less awake time wanting a cigarette.  Getting toasted enough to pass out may seem like a good idea, but the problem is that, like most people, getting lit makes you want to get a cigarette lit.

Notwithstanding, you’re probably not going to manage to sleep the whole way.  That’s when you’re just going to have to man up and suffer.  But remember, the classy smoker suffers in silence.  No one wants to listen to some slob in withdrawal bitching about needing a cigarette to go along with the seven screaming babies on the flight.  You might think about taking a pack of Snus along to help manage.  Just be careful, though, as you don’t want to develop a bad habit with those….  If you’ve got some spare nicotine gum lying around from the last 46 times you tried quitting, might be a good idea to dust them off from the back of the drawer where you stuffed them.  On a side note, if you’re bringing along some movies to watch, try avoiding anything made before 1990 or so.  You might risk see a scene where people could smoke on planes to add to your misery.

Finally, upon disembarking the plane, try to maintain your dignity in seeking a smoking area.  Don’t come off looking like those fat, desperate broads who storm the wedding gown store when the yearly one-day half-price sale is on.  There’s absolutely nothing classy about that.