Guy’s Guide: Clean That Stanky Bathroom

Let’s paint a picture. It was ladies’ night at your favorite bar, and you finally manage to talk a 7 into coming to your house for some coffee. You’re laying on the charm, breaking out all the wit you have. A regular Jay Leno, you are. She’s buyin’ it; she says she wants to freshen up. You wait — eager — giddy. What does freshen up mean? Will she be naked? What do naked women look like? All of these questions run through your head. It’s been twenty minutes. Is she dead? You timidly knock, and the door swings open. No girl. Just an open window and a rope made of ratty towels. Why would she abandon you like this? What did you do wrong?

I’ll tell you what: your crapper’s looking crappy. It’s disgusting. And you’re a grown-up. You’ve gotta be tired of losing girlfriends to your nasty-ass bathroom. But fear not! Cleaning bathrooms is not just for moms anymore. You can knock this thing out, no problem.

First, the clean sweep. Before you render this outhouse unto your will, you must remove everything from it that is not nailed down. Get the clothes off of the floor, the magazines off of the counters, and the trash into trash cans. Even useful stuff like razors and soap dispensers should be cleared out just for now. Take out the trash. We want to look at the room as it was when it was born. (Except when it was born it was not covered with beard-hair and refuse.)

It’s time to vacuum which will suck because of all the nooks and crannies (and because it’s a vacuum, and it’s supposed to.) It’s best to go about it with the vacuum hose if yours can detach, though you could use a dust buster for some hard to reach areas. If you have carpets in there, you’ll want to vacuum them. Remove them and vacuum underneath them. Might as well throw those rugs into the wash while you have them out; get them nice and soft. Go ahead and vacuum your counters too. Vacuum everything. Vacuum cobwebs off of the ceiling, hairs off of shower walls. Turn this room into a total suckfest.

Now turn your attention to your toilet itself. This porcelain bowl is the trophy of your bathroom — the sole reason for the room in many ways. But, alas, it is a disgrace. When you send proud pictures of your bathroom accomplishments to your friends (an excellent way to cement new friendships), they can only stare at the state of the toilet itself, and are therefore distracted from your masterpiece. A tragedy! First, scrub down the exterior with a disinfectant wipe or paper towel holding some disinfectant cleaner (dollar store!). This should go quickly and easily, and it’s easy to see the results. But it’s the bowl that should be the focus of your attention, as it is every Taco Tuesday.

You have two options, depending on your wealth and your dedication to toilet beauty.

Option one is the lovely and useful disposable toilet scrubber kit (I like Fresh Brush, which runs $7 for the starter kit which has the handle and  four refills, then $4 for a twelve-count refill). This includes a cleaning agent in a flushable, one-time use scrub, which you attach to the handle, use to scrub away stains, then detach and flush away. It’s quick and easy, but not as cheap as option two.

Option two is for classicists and the budget-conscious, and involves a toilet brush and some chlorine bleach (both can be found at dollar stores). You pour a half cup of the bleach into the bowl, stick the brush in there, let sit for ten minutes, then scrub and flush the chemically tainted water away. If you have a fan in your bathroom, you should turn it on because bleach fumes are not good for you, and are toxic if mixed with ammonia that can be found in some basic cleaners. Check your labels! Now take a gander at that beautifully clean toilet. Post a picture on Facebook.

What does freshen up mean? Will she be naked? What do naked women look like?

Let’s attack the shower. Hopefully you already ran the vacuum over it to grab up stray hairs, lint, and other dry, gross things; so now you’ll want to coat your shower (faucet too) in a shower cleaner. Dollar stores carry some, but for serious stains you might want to drop the extra twenty-five cents(!) on a scratch-free powder with bleach. (You want to be careful here, because if bleach fumes mix with the ammonia, you could be very sorry.) Let it sit for a little bit per instructions on the product, doing the same thing to the tub while you wait. Then scrub the cleaner off of both surfaces using something non-abrasive, like a sponge or a thick rag, rinse it all down with hot water. Then let it dry or dry it yourself by hand with a chamois. Like new!

But you can’t really see it through your nasty-ass Spongebob-themed shower curtain, can you? You should be ashamed, letting The Sponge get that dirty. Good news, though — this is easy as hell if you have a washing machine. Or parents who have washing machines. All you do is take it off of its hooks and throw it in the wash along with a cup of color-safe bleach and one white towel, which does the scrubbing for you. Don’t bother drying it, just hang it up again and it’ll dry itself. You might want to spray it with a disinfectant to combat future mildew. You can do the same thing with your bath mats.

Things would be a little different if you had a glass door for your shower, though somewhat more straightforward. If that were the case, you would get yourself some glass cleaner (Surprise! Dollar store.) and a couple paper towels, spray it down, wipe it down until you have a streak-free shine.

Now let’s look at the final piece of your bathroom: the counter that holds the sink and is directly under the mirror. To be safe, look at the mirror, look away, then look at it again. If there is now a serial killer behind you, you are about to die and this guide is moot. You will have to die in a half-cleaned bathroom. If there is not, you are in luck! You can clean your mirror to celebrate. Use glass cleaner and a towel, just like you did on your shower’s imaginary glass door. Check your mirror again. Now you can see your murderer’s face clearly! Silver lining.

Wipe down your counters and your sink with either a disinfectant wipe or an all-purpose cleaner and a sponge (Dollar store, fool). Scrub out those toothpaste stains with all the muscle you have. Get those nooks and crannies in the faucet too (an old toothbrush can help here). Looking pretty good!

Now you can put everything back! Return the rugs to their rightful places, put a new bag in your trash can, put your razor and your soap dispensers back. Make it look organized. Give your dispensers and your toothbrush holder a quick wipe, just to make sure they’re up to par with the rest of your bathroom. You can store your cleaning supplies under the sink for next time. If you really want to do it right, you should do a touch-up clean of your sink, toilet, and floor about weekly, and everything else at least monthly.