Part 3: Guy’s Guide to Smoking With Class at Work

This isn’t a referendum on smokers’ rights nor on the ongoing controversies about smoking. It’s not about second hand smoke, teen smoking, state taxes on packs of cigarettes, tobacco execs lying to congress, digitizing cigarettes out of Tom and Jerry cartoons (which is bull feces, FYI) or any of that shit. Let the American Medical Association, Big Tobacco, parents, Washington lobbyists and politicians hash all that out. You already smoke and made that decision long ago. You hit burners, stoke coffin nails, light cigs, torch bogeys, inhale butts…you puff, plain and simple. But that’s not to say that you can’t do it with some class. GUY is going to show you how.

Part 3: Smoking At Work

Smoking in the workplace is a continuous debate topic and increasingly a source of contention for smokers who feel more and more besieged by rules from companies and laws by states that seek to dictate how they manage their habit. Long gone are the days where a worker had a cigarette in hand while conducting business in an office setting. What happened to the good ole days when a salesman was closing a deal while puffing on a nail? Back in the day, Johnny Carson used to conduct interviews through the fog of cigarette smoke. Edward R. Murrow was never seen without a Camel. Said he about his proclivity, “I doubt I could spend a half hour without a cigarette with any comfort or ease.”

Likewise, John Wayne was never seen without a burner in between scenes on a movie set. Rod Serling was sometimes seen puffing it up in The Twilight Zone while some poor bastard was being screwed by fate. Dean Martin turned a cigarette and a drink into signature props while on stage. Ever seen his old Celebrity Roasts? They were smoking lounges. Smoking in the workplace went far beyond those luminaries of stage, screen and the newsroom. If the film Apollo 13 is accurate, Houston’s Mission Control was perennially a haze-filled environ. It’s doubtful that Armstrong, Aldrin, Collins, Shepard, Lovell, Swigert, Haise, Conrad, Gordon, Bean, and all those guys minded though. Certainly they didn’t want the guys at the monitors feening for a burner halfway through reentry approach. Still, all elements of a bygone era.

Now, smoking in the workplace is a more and more restrictive setting. Some companies are trying to force their workers to quit smoking or be dropped from the company healthcare. In an extreme case, in 2005 a Michigan company tried to prevent workers from smoking – even while off the job – in order to reduce health care costs. The predictable litigation and hurt feelings all around ensued. So what is a smoker, especially the classy smoker to do? Well, that depends on your job: particularly setting and situation.

The Job Seeker
Looking for a job sucks; that’s no big Mike Wallace reveal or plot twist. For the smoker, though, extra care must be taken when on the job hunt. Should you succeed in gaining an interview, you’re going to have to bite the bullet. These days, with all the competition out there, the last thing you want to do going into an interview is to smell like a doused forest fire. So the ideal is to know when your interview is, and to not smoke before it if you can manage. But see, that’s the thing. No smoker wants to try to portray his A-Game to an interviewer for a big job when he’s going through withdrawals. A stressful situation becomes nearly unbearable; the itch becomes poison ivy.

Drop the resume, thank the interviewer, then calmly power walk to the nearest smoking area…

One option is to smoke a little extra before the interview, then wash up right before – showering is best – and head straight there. Suffer through the inane, “What are your strengths and weaknesses?” or “If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” questions. Drop the resume, thank the interviewer, then calmly power walk to the nearest smoking area, preferably out of sight. If you’re out on multiple interviews, then washrooms, chewing gum and a small bottle of lotion to help kill the smoke smell are your friends. Make use of them.

© Chris Madden www.chrismadden.co.uk

The Office Worker
This is where more and more of us are finding ourselves: cube rats, drones, corporate flunkies. We deal with office politics, deadlines, bosses on our asses, pointless meetings, all the 9 to 5 yadda yadda. Don’t you love those mandatory three-hour meetings without a break? The kind where, after a while, you just want to shove the Power Point presentation right up the speaker’s ass? In an office setting, the classy smoker must also be the savvy smoker. Situations vary of course, but what must be done is a sort of smoking recon. Know your role, know the politics, and respond accordingly. If your boss is a non-smoker, then don’t be on their shit list by radiating cigarette smell. Trying to make time with the hot, non-smoking secretary over in Accounting? Don’t bring a tobacco aura to your office mack. Again, washrooms, gum and a mild fragrance such as lotion are your friends. You work it right, maybe she’ll be your friend too. Several times.

Chances are, there’s going to be some designated smoking area somewhere: a patio off to the side of the building, an alleyway or something. You’ll come to know this area well. And chances are you’re going to see the office smoking regulars there frequently, all day everyday. Nothing helps a smoker get through the work day like a smoke buddy. It’s not a bad idea to try to make one, or several. In fact, it’s always a good idea to have a smoking buddy bullpen. So when Fred in Receivables calls in sick, you can call Smoking Buddy B up to hit the smoker’s lounge down by the trash dumpsters.

It’s also really smart to know if upper management smokes or not. Play the politics of nicotine. Hell, make them your smoking buddy if you can. Might just be a promotion in it for you down the line. But don’t let them see how much you’re down in the parking garage burning, unless they’re down there as much as you are.

The Outside Worker
If you don’t spend you day in an office, if you’re on say, a road crew, or you’re a painter, one of those pitiable bastards who spins signs around on a street corner, construction worker, et al, generally finding someplace to light up isn’t an issue. In fact, if you’re a streetwalker, it’s pretty much a job requirement. Just follow the suggestions about smoking in public (Part 2 of this article series) and you should be good. On a side note, if you’re a cop who smokes, smoke whenever you’re dealing with a bad guy. It’ll look more intimidating. And make sure they’re Marlboro Reds, so the dirtbags know you’re not fucking around.

The Government Worker
Your job’s shitty enough as it is, so you’re excused from this discussion. Make sure you get your regular smoke however you can. Because when we’re standing in line at the DMV, the Social Security Administration or the post office, we don’t want you pissed off and suffering from withdrawal. In the latter case, we don’t want you pissed off and suffering from withdrawal with a gun.