Part 1: Guy’s Guide to Smoking at Home With Class

This isn’t a referendum on smokers’ rights nor on the ongoing controversies about smoking.  It’s not about second hand smoke, teen smoking, state taxes on packs of cigarettes, tobacco execs lying to congress, digitizing cigarettes out of Tom and Jerry cartoons (which is bull feces, FYI) or any of that shit.  Let the American Medical Association, Big Tobacco, parents, Washington lobbyists and politicians hash all that out.  You already smoke and made that decision long ago.  You hit burners, stoke coffin nails, light cigs, torch bogeys, inhale butts…you puff, plain and simple.  But that’s not to say that you can’t do it with some class.  GUY is going to show you how.

Part 1: Smoking At Home

No matter what legislation is enacted, and no matter how draconian the measures are, and until President Cliff Robertson comes to power and cigarettes are made illegal outright, there’s one place that you’ll always be able to smoke: your own home.  Anyone want to bet that Obama isn’t still sneaking a burner in the Oval Office once in a while?  Don’t bet against it.  But this is as it should be, the home being the castle and all that.  However, depending on your situation, there are certain steps you may need or want to take in order to raise your level of sophistication concerning your habit.  The upper end of this scale would be Hef, walking around the Playboy Mansion in a smoking jacket with a pipe and half naked pinups lurking about.  The lower end would be some slob in his run down camper out with cigarette butt shag carpeting.  It really all comes down to what kind of smoker you want to be.

The Single Man
This is the ideal for a smoker.  There’s no one else to worry about but himself.  The Single Man lights up indoors while watching MMA, NFL, reruns of The Wire or Women’s Beach Volleyball….or The Real Housewives of Wherever The Fuck, ice skating and Dr. Phil.  We make no judgments in this area.  Regardless, this is the last, inalienable place for you to smoke in peace.  Prop your feet up, grab a beer, and just blaze…pure bliss.  Still, if you entertain, whether it be friends, ladies, or family, you can up your class level by taking a few steps:

First, if you can, smoke outside.  Be it on a deck, balcony, roof, fire escape, what have you.  Even smokers can get gagged by the smell of week-old smoke and delinquent butts fragrancing up the joint.  Ever had few butts sitting in a small room for a few days?  It’s like someone lit a dead dog’s ass on fire.  You may smoke, but that doesn’t mean that you – or especially your guests – always have to smell it.

Second, have permanent ashtrays handy; preferably glass or ceramic, and most important, tasteful.  Make them part of the decor if you can.  You want to be a classier smoker?  You can’t have plastic red cups full of water stinking up the place.   There should never be any used beer bottles that look like a chimney floor; and especially, no impromptu tin foil ashtrays.  And keep your ashtrays maintained regularly.  Even wash them on occasion.  If you’ve got a cigarette butt chia pet growing on your tray, it’s time to empty it.

Third, air freshener is mandatory.  Incense, or even a scented candle is choice, but at least have some kind of a room spray handy.  But be sure to use it smartly.  Spraying it like it’s a fire extinguisher will leave you with an aroma that’s almost as bad as the lingering smoke.

Finally, if you really want to be pimpin’ as a home smoker, get a case in which to keep your cigarettes, and a matching lighter.  Now, this isn’t license to just have a Bic or matches lying around, and especially not to have your grill lighter sitting on your coffee table.  Rather go for a nice Zippo or a table lighter.

Addendum: Concerning cigarette holders…there’s classy smoker, and then there’s pretentious douche.  This ain’t the ’50s, and you’re not a Cobblepot.  Lose the cigarette holder.

The Attached Man
All of the above holds for the modern man who’s either got a girlfriend or especially a female co-habitator.  Two situations generally arise in this situation: she also smokes or she doesn’t.  If the former is the case, encourage her to adopt your classier smoker’s lifestyle in the home.  She’ll respect your trying to better yourself, if ever so slightly.  You may even get some classier smoker sex.  If the latter is the case, then you’ll drive her away at a far later date than you would by being an inconsiderate asshole.  She’ll still eventually leave you because you won’t stop smoking, but at least she’ll remember that you had some panache about the situation.

The Married Man
Again, all of the above is applicable.  If the wife smokes, and you both observe the aforementioned tips, you’ll be a classy smoking couple.  If she doesn’t smoke, you’ll avoid the divorce lawyers for a bit longer.

Addendum: Kids.  No classy smoker ever smokes around his kids.  Ever.  Nor does he let them live in a house filled with the smell of smoke.  You will smoke outside.  You will not smoke in front of them.  You will not have your cigarettes anywhere around that they’ll be able to get into them.  You will also beat their asses if they smoke under legal age.  When they resent you for it, tell them you’re the classy smoking adult and have thus earned the right.

The Recently-Divorced Man
Fuck it.  If you’re sad about her leaving, then light up.  Anywhere, anytime.  It’ll help.  But return to the classy smoking lifestyle when the pain settles a bit.  If you’re happy about it, blaze in celebration.  But as always, do it with some class.

Next Time: Part 2 – Smoking in Public